


Comedy Club

by Grieving_Angel



Series: Grieving's Undertale Stories [12]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Comedy, Seizure, but there is tike no creepy or pasta, sans does have a seizure though, this was also going to be a creepypasta crossover, this was going to be a gift fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:54:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29299218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grieving_Angel/pseuds/Grieving_Angel
Summary: The first attempt at a first chapter for a gift fic for Bubbly Ship. Was asked to take it down do to it being too similar to her Creepypasta Soul Mates AU. So I did. But I'm still really proud of it so I'm posting it as a one shots instead of just straight up deleting it. Yada yada, go check Bubbly out, yada yada, characters belong to respective owners, yada yada, this is just for fun and don't take it too seriously. Now, on with the show.
Series: Grieving's Undertale Stories [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1683799
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Comedy Club

"Hey, hey, great to see you all here tonight!" Sans said stepping into the stage of the rickety backstreet bar, "Matter of fact it's Sans -ational, I would have completely understood if you all stayed home. I know I would have, and I'm the one being paid to be here!" 

That got a good chuckle from the crowd, nothing too rowdy, but Sans knew that as the night wore on and the drinks kept flowing, it was bound to get more lively.

" Tibia honest, though, the old six-pack doesn't last long enough. So I can understand why you'd drag yourself out to come here, but I doubt it would be to listen to a lazy sack of bones like me tell the story about the time he fucked a dinosaur. Oh! Wait, I used the wrong word there, disappointment of a sack of bones, at least according to my parents. Which is strange because it says Karmic Sans on my birth certificate. 'Clean your room, you disappointment', 'Sans, go outside for once you wasted sperm', and my favorite, 'why don't you do something with your life? You're such a disappointment'. Thanks Dad, I'm five. growing up-" 

He got an agreeable roar from that one and had to pause to let everyone settle down, he had a good crowd tonight. There was one guy who was talking loudly, to apparently no one, up front that held everything up, but other than him it was a friendly crowd.

"Growing up, I was often mistaken for a girl, since," Sans gestured up and down his body, "I don't have a skele- ton of features to go off of. It would get uncomfortable when boys would try to flirt with me. 'Hey sweetheart mind if I get a taste of how sweet you are?'. That's gay, and then they'd have the audacity to get confused about that, 'but I'm not a girl!' well neither am I how straight forward do you want me to be? Because straight is something I'm uncertain on. And when they continue to be confused, just pop them with a 'I have a bone and I like the bone ' and hopefully their one brain cell will come back from vacation." 

His eyes sweeping the crowd, gauging reactions to his skit, he spotted his friends and family sitting at their usual table and…

* Sigh *, the same guy up front, was harassing some poor girls.

"Piss off ," Sans hissed, the guy rolled his eyes and sat back and made a gesture that could have been the bird, but Sans couldn't guarantee. 

"I'd probably pull off the whole girl act a lot easier if I fixed my balding problem. Like I'd suggest most of you put sunglasses on because it's getting that bad. Throw on a wig and Bam a cute girl. , so I have to admit it only works from behind so it became him by a lot random guy stopping on the shoulder going hey sweet cheeks and then I just turn around, and they'd get this skeleton yelling that's gay, most people bucket when that happens. Matter fact, I noticed a few of you out there, eyeing the door when I was walking on stage. Humans act so weird, most people think I have escaped my prison of flesh, which is not true. And I'm not sure I'm fond of it because that means there's a fleshy boneless version of me out there slowly hunting me down. That's the stuff of nightmares. Nah. I was bone to be wild, no flesh and all. Now, using a poorly written transition, let's talk about someone who is not a disappointment is a girl and is also gay. This next bit is about someone who I personally greatly admire, and everyone that I know that I care to associate with greatly admires. Undyne, caption of the Royal Guard, she's -"

"BOOoo ooo Oooo" grand it was the man up front again. 

Sans looks down his nose ridge at the man and arches a brow bone, "Boo what? You don't look like a ghost, and you aren't scaring anyone." 

"Er, er," he definitely wasn't expecting to become the center of attention, good, sans can have some fun.

"Or are you interjecting because you don't like women in power, cuz, if it's not that some unfortunate timing on your part?"

"No, no, I love women. I - I was booing… this… drink it's disgusting my dude,"

"Really? Is that why you've had seven of them? Now," Sans turned to the women he was harassing, "can you vouch for this man's statement of 'loving' women." 

While most of the girls seemed to be reluctant to speak, one to the front with bright red highlights shouted "maybe pussy but not women." To which the rest of the audience roared with laughter. 

"My, my, my, look like I'll have a future contender for this stage." Sans gave a wink to the person who spoke up. 

"You little-!!"

"Ah, ah, ah, this is between you and me," Sans said.

"Square up, bitch!" The jerk shouted

"Nah, I'm not a square, nor a bitch. You, however, are a real drag. Not much of a fighter either, though, that can be said for the both of us. Hope, you aren't too drunk to run to your parents' basement, since Undyne is here tonight, and she can break boulders into pebbles with a single punch, and she hates sexists."

"My parents are dead," he said, looking smug.

"Ah, so you moved upstairs," Sans shrugged, "sorry guilt tripping doesn't work here bucko."

"Dick," he called as secretary, finally moved to kick him out.

Sans paused with an impression of surprise across his face. Glancing down at himself and frowning. Then he reached out to pat at the front of his trousers. The bar exploded in laughter at the silent joke. "Damn, you got me excited there for a second there but I guess you wouldn't know what a penis looks like a mister micro penis." 

Sans's watch as the man was escorted out of the bar, "The well now that's settled," sans bent over and snatched the man's drink from the table and to a long swig, "Don't worry folks, it's not drinking on the job if you can't get drunk." 

"Now where was I, ah, yes, Undyne, caption of the Royal Guard. She r ocks , I've known her for about---

~~~

The rest of the night went on without a hitch and as the mismatched family of monsters left the building, Sans asked, 

"Mr. M. Penis had a designated driver?" 

"Nah, the bouncer called him a cab," Undyne said, scooping up a protesting Alphys into her arms

"Gresat Job Dealing With Him Brother!" 

"Thanks Pap," Sans said, turning his head, he had the weirdest feeling that someone was watching him. 

Before sans could spot anyone staring, Asgore pulled up with the minivans the group had used to get there. 

"Hop in you, lot, we should get home so Mettaton can show Toriel the video of sans performance." Asgore called. 

Sans surveyed around one more time, only noting a couple with interlocked hands, one with well groomed brown hair wearing a light brown hoodie under a dark denim jacket, the other with shaggy slightly longer brown hair and sideburns wearing a dark blue hoodie under a light brown jacket at the bus stop, before taking the set next to Alphys. 

The rest of the car ride was uneventful, with the group of friends making light chatter about their respective work, about his skit, and some jabs at the heckler.

Once arriving at their shared home, the all piled out of the mini van and into the house, and were met by the smell of a freshly cooked meal waiting for them.

"Hello, dears, how was the show?" Toriel asked as Frisk rolled up to Asgore for a hug, Sans was grateful that the two had been talking again. While things weren't perfect, they still seem to have a spark, and they deserve closure for what happened all those years ago. 

"It was amazing, beautiful, he only had one heckler," Mettaton said, joining the ex-queen in the kitchen, "and don't worry, I got the whole thing on camera so you get the chance to see it for yourself!"

The conversation continued from there, but sans was finding it harder and harder for him to concentrate on what was being said. It felt like his head was filled with cotton and a dull throb was being to form.

"Sans, are you alright?" 

Sans eyed the human child, not sure if he was imagining stuff. Frisk's amber eyes were glowing a fierce red and there was another child standing behind them wearing a green and yellow striped tunic.

*You ask sans if he is alright… he doesn't appear to be looking at you.

"I - I," Sans sputters as the world turns to darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, one more thing.  
> Fuck you if you think im taking this down again,  
> and Fuck you depression.  
> Goodnight every body.


End file.
